There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
