she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
