Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
