Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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