Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
