It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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