his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Less talking, more tequila
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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