How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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