Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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