Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
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I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
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Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.