the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.