oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
