i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
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you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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