If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
