Pappa wants mamma naked
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
