The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
