and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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