I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
