Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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