Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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