You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
