The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
