Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
