I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
