I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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