Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
