a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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