Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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