in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
