my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
