I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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