you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
