Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
