my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
