Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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