aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
