I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
