i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
