You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
