It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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