i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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