Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
