the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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