Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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