I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
