Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
