It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
