Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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