Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
