You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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