Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
