Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
