I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
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