How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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