Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
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so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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