fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
