I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
