Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
