dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
